Saying goodbye is part of life. All of us go through it. As we get older, the list of people (and places, habits, etc.) we said goodbye to gets longer and longer. There are different kinds of farewells. Some are self-chosen, for instance when we quit a job. Some are forced upon us, like when our partner decides to leave. Some come suddenly, some we can foresee. Some are temporary, some forever.
Any form of goodbye is painful (although to varying degrees). Even if you leave a company on your own accord: on the day of your departure, once you sipped your last drip of champagne and start hugging your former colleagues goodbye, you’ll feel a hurting stitch. But there’s more to goodbyes than just pain.
Nothing in life is forever. Being born will eventually result in dying. Endings, it turns out, are an element of life. A goodbye is the final destination of a welcome.
Let’s tweak that thought a little bit: every ending once had a beginning. The fact that you say goodbye to someone (or something), means you once let someone (or something) new into your life. Saying goodbye might not be the most pleasant experience. Yet, it is a reminder of one’s capability to begin anew.
Sometimes we tend to get all caught-up in the pain that farewells bring. But in doing so, we ignore all the time that preceded the parting. That’s a trap I try to avoid when I part ways. After all, every relationship that comes to an end — regardless of its nature — involved happiness and precious moments at one point in time. Those moments are dear to me. I try to remember them fondly and avoid spilling them with pain or other negative emotions.
I’m certainly not perfect at it. I, too, have my moments of sadness and pain. I regard that as a good thing. I allow them to be. They are part of being alive. There is even a somewhat reassuring element to them. They remind me of my human condition. The key is keeping the pain in balance. Accepting the pain isn’t the same as taking an extended bath in it. I try to keep it to a few quick showers.
After all, every goodbye means that people who used to be part of your life no longer are (or to a lesser extent). People being a part of your life translates to you spending time with them. Probably significant amounts. So after a goodbye, you are — depending on your perspective — either forced or given the opportunity to fill that time with something new. It might as well be something enjoyable.
When it comes to making the decision to part ways, you can either be active or passive. When we are being parted ways with, we usually use expressions like “I was fired” or “my spouse left me”. These expressions turn us into passive victims of bad, unfair events. That, of course, is usually not what happens. Relationships are mutual. All people involved in a relationship interact continuously. It might not be impossible that one person doesn’t bear any responsibility for the relationship coming to an end. But it is highly unlikely.
Note that I talk about responsibility, not fault or blame. I think none of the two concepts is particularly useful when thinking about the end of a relationship (there are exceptions of course; so let me clarify: I talk about mostly-healthy, non-violent types of relationships). Allow me to lend myself some credence before I go further: I “have been left” several times in my life. By women I loved, by great colleagues/employees and by friends.
Wondering who’s at fault comes natural to us after breakups. It’s almost a reflex. But I think it’s misleading. Whenever two or more people are involved in any kind of relationship, there comes a point when some form of group identity and feeling of togetherness emerges. The I dissolves into a We. That, however, is only a mental process. In reality, of course, all involved individuals remain distinct human beings.
And being a human being comes with the ongoing changes through which we go during our lives. Our interests, preferences, attitudes, habits, needs and beliefs change over time. It is certainly not impossible to have long-lasting relationships. At the same time, it is quite likely that someone who used to be very compatible with you along several dimensions, evolves in a different direction than you do.
My preferred metaphor is about two rivers. They meet. Then they begin to meander through the valley next to each other, in unison. They might do so for hundreds of miles. But there’s always the possibility that one might suddenly swerve. Which we will only know once we arrive at the crossroads.
All that is to say: Instead of putting the blame on someone, I prefer to accept that relationships can come to an end and be okay with it.
That doesn’t mean I’m not interested in why things went astray. Of course I am! But in my experience, there mostly isn’t one reason. As humans, we like straight-forward cause-and-effect type of explanations. But relationships are complex. They are defined by the ambiguity of the people in it, by their needs, goals and beliefs and by the accumulated interactions between them. Finding out why you eventually had to say goodbye, thus, isn’t looking for an answer — it’s looking at puzzle pieces and trying to figure out if they are part of the picture. You might end up with a decent approximation of reality, but never fully get there.
Accepting that helps me to avoid thinking in terms of fault and blame. It also helps me to say goodbye to people in a just and caring way. Which is how I want to deal with the people that are exiting my life, regardless of who initiated the parting. Because in the end, they usually deserve it (again: barring massive eff-ups aka intentionally hurtful, violent behavior).
Pain and sadness are consequences of parting ways with people. But in most cases, causing them isn’t the intention of the person who says goodbye first. Instead, they are merely an unavoidable byproduct. Accepting that, while also being mindful — probably even appreciative — of the new opportunities that follow, is how I handle goodbyes. It suited me well so far. If you take something helpful away from it, I’m glad.